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Jana
Yes, I know, it was a long time ago...In the middle of august, to be precise.
But as everybody knows time is what we need the most nowadays...And time is what we don't have...


 

Vouloir, c'est pouvoir... It means "to want is to can"... Everything is possible. Going to Paris, specailly to be on the top of Eiffel's touer was one of my biggest dreams for a long time. I never expected my dream to become true so quickly. Sometimes it seemed it never becomes true...But i kept working for it. And as you can see on that photo it's not the only wish that became true - I have olso my angel now :)









A fiew from Eiffel. It was really,really windy there and I wore a short scirt...But still, it was amazing!





A queue to see Mona lisa (in Louvre)...




And Mona Lisa for few seconds. Everybody was allowed to take only one photo. And as you can see we didn't succeed... But at least I saw it :D Wiiiiiiiii :D





A picnic in the garden of Versailles 





Who wouldn't know the story of Esmeralda and Quasimodo...





Sacre-Coeur...The most beautiful church in Paris...At least I think so. It's so sad that we were'nt allowed to take photos inside the churches. All these old thombs, huge frescos, altars, lighting...Just amazing, incredible...





On the way to Paris (in Lithuania). Ostrich just sat behind the place we ate :)





There was a really nice garden in front of our hotel in Poland - still on the way to Paris :)
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These are not my thoughts...I found these when googeling for "Lost inside"...I don't know who wrote these words but he/she must have been predictor coz these words describe me....My past and present...My feelings...Maybe in my last life (if it exists) I was he/she...And no, I'm not depressed but I'm still searching...


I get lost inside my mind sometimes. And it's hard to find the way out, I can tell you. There are so many strange paths of thoughts that doesn't really lead anywhere, and others evidently not finished yet. And others again are winding hither and thither, up and down, in spirals and loops, in the great maze that my mind is.

But it's not as if I'm bothered by it. It's quite nice to escape the reality and enter the inner self sometimes. The only thing important is not to become a slave of dreams, imaginations and surreality.

I know I'm going to find my way through the maze, so I'm not worried. At least, not today...

***

Whoooaaa! She was flying really high today. And what splendid weather for a flight it was. The sun shone like one of those oranges in the TV-commercials they broadcasted once in a while, and the only clouds that could be seen on the skies were thin like cotton candy.

But suddenly, something disturbed the calm. The sun became more and more intense, turning into an intense spotlight. The clouds began transforming; first into rain-clouds, and then into dark-gray clouds forboding a storm. Then the lightning struck. And the storm raged with fury.

After that, everything faded into black, and she fell into it, helpless like a leaf in a river.

Darkness became intense light again. Intense white light intermixed with green shadows. She could feel a strange, but familiar, sensation in her right arm. As if a surge of energy flowed through her body. She tried to get up, but noticed that she couldn't exercise enough strength to do so. She gave up the try and sank back into dizziness. Emptiness. Loneliness. The story of her life before she learned how to fly.

And now she had crashed, it was only her mind that could not accept the fact. Dreams were far more pleasant. And flying was her life. It was taxing, indeed, and sometimes she had to abstain from other things in life, to afford flying, but that was a small price for something as wonderful as the freedom of mind.

Or was it really freedom of the mind? Wasn't her mind trapped? Could she quit if she wanted to? She wasn't quite sure. This crash had been a little too much for her. Maybe she should quit after all. Slowly she began to realise that her way of flying was really just like throwing yourself out from an air-plane at random height, hoping too survive without a parachute. So far, she had miraculously survived, but the height had gradually increased lately. And she'd felt more sore after every flight. Only that she hadn't quite grasped the reason until now.

It was time to stay on the ground and take one step at the time instead of flying through life and through existance. Maybe she would not enjoy it at first, but she probably wouldn't enjoy being a wet spot on some square of asphalt either.

Still, she felt uneasy. Now, if only she could take off instead...

***

She shook her head. The vision she saw in the mirror in front of her wasn't pretty at all. But if she just could lose a few more kilos, everything would be just fine. School would work out, she would get more friends, and, most important of all, the boys would swarm around her like flies.

What she saw was a girl, about 150 cm's tall, with an over-weight. What everyone else saw was a once blooming girl that had turned into a hollow ghost; pale skin, thin limbs and her ribs clearly visible.

What she saw was someone that would gain life-quality by losing weight. What everyone else saw was a girl that would soon have to visit a hospital unless she gained some weight.

But no-one cared to say anything. Everyone considered it to be somebody else's problem. And it clearly was. But the person who suffered from the problem, the girl herself, did not know what was eating her from inside. Or rather, what was un-eating her.

***

The leaf danced in the wind. It took a leap here and there, performing a strange sort of ballet, with a secret language of form and rhythm. It had no conceivable pattern in its moves, nothing predictable in its behaviour. The wind sometimes lifted it several decimeters up in the air, only to be followed a moment later by total stillness.

Hopping and skipping down the alley, the leaf raced in a happy manner, its orange-red colours a spark of joy in the grey autumn weather. Then suddenly, its voyage took an abrupt end, as it fell down into the sewers.

As if a token of grief, the sky suddenly began to cry. But down in the sewers, the leaf began its journey again, towards an unknown future, in an unexplored country.

***

I'm not afraid of being considered strange, odd, weird or even crazy. After all, many great persons have been. Not that I would imply that I am a great person. What I want to make clear is that not being mainstream isn't a sin, rather I see it as a personal strength. It is easy to always do as others, always be like everyone else, always float along.

But I don't want to. Still, I do so casually, because I'm not strong enough. We all do that sometimes, don't we? And sometimes it can be a good thing to do, too. The important thing is to know what you really want, what you really think and who you really are. And to strive to fulfill your goals and turn your ideas into something real.

Let us be united by the fact that we all are different.

***

Most of the world seems transparent nowadays; just like glass. People look through eachother without seeing the individual inside. And, just like bottles, persons that have been used are thrown into the trashcan of the brutal reality, for recycling by others, or for destruction.

Sometimes, just sometimes, a beam of light catches the glass, splits up into smaller fractions and creates visual splendour. But it seems that noone appreciate things like that any longer; everyone is just too busy caring about themselves.

Glass is fragile. Be careful not to break it.

***

The mirror stared back. The bar counter looked like it was moving. His stool was beginning to feel wobbly. And his glass was empty again. Was it the seventh or the eighth time? He wasn't sure. He looked down into the glass and saw the wood of the counter, somewhat magnified through the bottom.

He looked down into the glass again and sighed. It was still empty. The glass was so empty. But nothing compared to what he felt inside. And no amount of alcohol would ever change that.

He was so empty.

***

In silence I lie, right now. Not absolute silence; I can hear the soft clicking of the keyboard when I write this, and the faint humming of the hard-disk. But the night is quiet. No traffic outside, no-one else awake, no music from the stereo, no TV pumping information. Nothing. I lie here in silence, both aural and visual. The faint light of the bedside lamp is all the illumination I need to be able to write this. And except for that lamp, silence is one with me tonight.

I lie in silence. And I enjoy the silence. I am in silence.

***

Do you feel alone? Want someone to talk to? Want someone to talk to you?
Do you have something that you need to share with someone,
to relieve the pressure from your shoulders?
Easen your fears of the future?

I cannot promise to solve your problems.
I probably can't change your future.
But I promise that I can do my best to listen.

I can be the heart that listens.
I can be your voice in the night. 
If you want me to. 



My emptyness and longingness (though I'm not sure for what...) can be visually seen in that photo...



Current Mood: blank blank
Current Music: Avril Lavigne "Lost inside"

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Like a balerin :D At least I didn't brake my nails this time :D



Good one :D



Like twins :)



Later in the evening :D

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: silly silly

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Our christmas with Rene :) (and other relatives)

 












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Write about a literary character who changed you in some way.
 First answer that pops to my head is Veronica from P. Coelho "Veronica decides to die"...She gave me hope when I needed it the most...
And of course LITTLE PRINCE (Saint-Exupery) - a good and very positive friend for children and adults... :)

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A lot hase changed since the beginning of university and Uny is still one of the most important things in my life...2 years more and then I'll get  bachelor's degree and then again 2 years more and I'll get Master :)) 
And here are some photos :)



He-he - freshmen's party :D Yeah, it was fun...We had to propose one arbitrary guy from the street in this outfit :D So I'm "married" already :D:D





This is a party of corporation (oh yeah, I belong also to the corporation Filiae Patriae) :) It was a style-party and as you can see, the theme was FAIRYTAILE




Yeah....Sometimes I have to study also, there's not only fun in university :D But still there's better than in highschool...




This was the day I gave my documents to the university...I was younger and naive, full of different dreams. I thougt that everything would change...Everything did change but not exactly in a way I wanted...First of all, I didn't get a room for me and my best friend so we had to go to separate rooms, moreover, separate houses...My new roommate was russian and also both of my neubors from my box were russian. I felt myself outsider...So in a half year I moved out and since then I've been together with my old classmate. We get along well, but I wouldn't call it friendship. We don't share secrets and we don't do other stuff that friends should do...
Then, few months after I came to university I broke up with my boyfriend. He really hurt me...So I was broken hearted, alone in the stranger city...My best didn't have time for me...So I started going to different parties and going out with different guys...I didn't want more than friendship with them but I gave them hope...One month later I went to Rene's place and I decided that he is the best for me...I agreed to be his girlfriend...In the beginning I he was only a substitut for my old boyfriend...But soon he creeped into my heart and now I can't get him out :) And I'm happy :) We're still together :)
Now this little room is my only home...It's small and I have a room-mate...I feel I don't have enough space to breath...Every person needs to be alone sometimes...Fortunately I can go to Rene's place at weekends :)
But while being in Tartu I often feel empty and lonely...I have acquaintances, people, to go out with, but I don't have real friends...My so-called best friend just doesn't want to find time for me... :(
I like my coursemates and I also enjoy my courses (not all, some are boring), but still, everything isn't the way I hoped in that photo....





So this is what I look like now - a future teacher of disabled children :) (Yes, I coloured my hair a bit)



Current Mood: confused confused

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Yeah, I really enjoyed my party :)
As can be seen from photos, everybody got very tired in the end... ;)

Current Mood: silly silly

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Voka's sea...Favourite place in the world...There are my tears and also moments of happyness...





This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream...
Don't hold on to the past - 
well, that's too much to ask...


So this was the end...And that trea is the only thing that reminds us our home...Our home that was taken away...And only few people cared of our tears...
I will always remember you my dear home..... :( 
You gave me the wings, the wind and the cliff but I have to fly myself...






This was our cake...On the cake there was our logo :) Delicious :)
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